[Dick clears his throat, picks up the papers
like he's holding ancient tablets of truth—
when in reality it's just those pathetic drafts
Todd shoved into his hands
with that corporate smile that screams "I had nothing to do with this"]“I remind you, my cosmic gremlins,
that you’re listening to the SST Sunday night podcast
‘Night with Melody & Jackie Rho™’
on Radio Nebula 69.99 FTLM—
the only station still broadcasting
in faster-than-light modulation,
despite engineers spending the last fifteen years insisting
‘that’s physically impossible.’And with you tonight—
a night that promises to be just as meaningless
as every other night in our miserable lives—
the one, the only, occasionally irritating,
yet somehow still beloved…Dick Melody!
And of course, right beside me—
the most charming DJ in the entire universe…Jacqueline ‘Jackie’ Rho.”
[The papers rustle like they’re also unhappy about existing]“Well then, baby…
let’s see what we’ve got next.”
[He flips through the pages—you can practically hear hope dying inside him]“Filler… useless filler…
BOOOOORING!
Well, well, well—what’s this… maybe—
nah—DOGSHIT.
No, seriously… just—
talentless.
The author is a fucking HACK!”
[Dick crumples the papers into a ball and throws them like LeBron James—
if LeBron had quit basketball, lost faith in life,
and ended up hosting a radio show on the cheapest station in the sector—
—STRAIGHT INTO THE PAPER SHREDDER—
a dull, grinding SHRRRR,
like even the shredder is shocked by what it just consumed][Jackie bursts into the broadcast, stunned]“Diiick!
What did you just do?!
How are we supposed to run the rest of the night now?
Do you have a plan? Any program at all?!”
[Dick slowly nods, completely satisfied with himself]“Baby, relax.
I’d rather talk about my own life
than read the garbage that talentless idiot wrote.And honestly?
Our gremlins’ll probably enjoy hearing
how you spend your weekdays anyway…”
— DING-DING DING-DING —[The studio phone rings—loud enough to scare the absolute shit out of Dick]“FUCK!
We need to change that ringtone.
I’m not surviving a heart attack like this!”
[Jackie presses the button, throws him a sharp look][Dick instantly switches tone—like a man raised by contracts and fine print]“Radio Nebula 69.99 FTLM…
If this is Todd, or some other asshole trying to request a track
with notarized fart certification—go fuck yourself.
Alright. Who’s on the line?”
[The caller’s voice—shaky, terrified, hanging by a thread]“H-h-hello… uh… Dick…
My name is… Zha’Rarrek. I’m Ultorian.
Please, I need help…
I really fucking need help…”
[Dick smirks]“Strong opening. Keep going.”
[Zha’Rarrek, gasping]“So… I… I was at Diznee Land™…
you know, that amusement park—Magic Empire ®…
The launch ride—‘GalaxyMouse ®’…
It… uh… IT RIPPED MY ARM OFF.”
[Zha’Rarrek, choking on breath]“Now I have three—
JUST THREE—!
I’M NOT EVEN SYMMETRICAL ANYMORE—!
Do you have any idea what that means for me?!”
[Jackie freezes mid-bite, caramel still in her mouth]“Aigo…”
[Dick—flat, clinical]“Alright. Happens.
We’re not an ambulance. Call them.
Or file a claim with Diznee™—
they should cover treatment and prosthetics.”
[Zha’Rarrek chokes back a sob]“I—I did! They said they can’t help me!
So I filed a case with the Galactic Consumer Court!
And the court… DENIED it!
They said:
‘You agreed to the Diznee™ Galactic Entertainment Conglomerate Terms of Service.’”
[Jackie gasps. Dick doesn’t react]“Yeah… that checks out.”
[Zha’Rarrek is breaking]“BUT I SIGNED DIZNEE PLUS™!
TO WATCH A SHOW!
WHY DOES THAT CANCEL MY RIGHTS WHEN MY ARM GOT RIPPED OFF—?!”
[Silence. Dick inhales slowly—like he smells corporate decay]“Buddy…
you fell…
into the DIZNEE-ASS™.”
[Zha’Rarrek, confused and terrified]“W-w-what…?”
[Dick shifts into full corporate lecture mode—cold, precise, unstoppable]“Diznee™ Galactic Entertainment Conglomerate
is a unified legal entity.You signed Diznee Plus™—
that means you signed everything.All 48,000 subsidiaries, including:
- amusement parks,
- streaming services,
- supermarket chains,
- robot factories,
- construction cranes,
- medical services,
- beer,
- and yeah… Diznee-FUNERALS™.
You signed all of it.
With one button.”
[Zha’Rarrek starts crying]“I JUST WANTED TO WATCH A SHOW!
But—but now—
I—I can’t even hold things… right… anymore—!”
[Dick cuts him off]“Yeah.
And Diznee™ wanted to cancel all your future lawsuits.
Looks like both sides got what they wanted.”
[Zha’Rarrek breaks completely]“But I didn’t know the streaming was connected to the park!”
[Dick—voice of Prime Inc™ itself]“Diznee™ knows.
And Diznee™ thinks that’s enough.”
[Jackie, quietly]“That’s… so unfair… so cruel…
he just got trapped…”
[Dick, tired but unwavering]“It’s right there in clause 14-C:
‘All Diznee™ services are legally indivisible.’Meaning if Diznee™ kills you—
you already agreed to it
when you clicked their fucking ‘I AGREE.’”
[Zha’Rarrek, barely holding it together]“But… what do I do?!
They TORE MY ARM OFF!”
[Dick lights a cigar, inhales]“Welcome to civilization, buddy.
If you wanna avoid the DizneeVerse®…
and maybe hold on to the three arms you’ve got left…
there’s only one way.”
[Zha’Rarrek—last fragments of hope]“W-w-what is it…?”
[The sound of Johnnie Wanker™ being poured]“Don’t press buttons
you didn’t read in small print, you dumb bastard.But since you already did…
there’s nothing anyone can do for you now.They officially own—
legally, temporally, and physically—
all your future decisions.”
[Dick cuts the call. Sets the glass down]“My dear gremlins…
if you ever see a button that says:
‘Accept Terms’… run. Just run.
Gravity has less pull than those legal parasites.”
[Jackie sighs softly, her voice gentler than usual]“Dick… why’d you have to go that hard…
You could’ve supported him.
Said something kind.
Instead you sounded like you work
in Diznee™’s legal department.”