I HATE HUMANS™

🚨 NSFW — NOT SAFE FOR WANNABEES

Alright, cupcake…
Let’s run a quick diagnostic before you enter.

BASIC FILTERING

You are NOT:
— a child,
— a boy whose mustache hasn’t grown past three heroic millimeters,
— a momma’s boy who still calls her “Mommy,”
— a freshman who thinks quoting Nietzsche makes him deep,
— someone who still sleeps under a Marvel blanket,
— a guy who brags about his GPA to strangers,
— a person who claps when airplanes land,
— someone who thinks wearing a beanie makes him a philosopher,
— the type who asks “what’s the WiFi?” before saying hello.

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CERTIFIED EMOTIONAL DISASTERS

You are NOT:
— a grown adult who cries watching Twilight (“Bella deserved better…”),
— someone who saw Breaking Dawn and felt spiritually awakened,
— someone who still argues Team Edward vs Team Jacob in 2026,
— someone whose emotional stability depends on seasonal Starbucks cups,
— a man who refers to his cat as “my son,”
— a woman whose dog has a middle name,
— someone who uses “XD” unironically,
— someone who types UwU and means it.

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FILM & TV BRAINROT

You are NOT:
— someone who thinks The Last Jedi is a misunderstood masterpiece,
— someone who claps when the Disney castle appears,
— the dude who says “actually, the book was better” without reading the book,
— someone who thinks watching three episodes of Rick and Morty makes them a genius,
— someone whose entire identity is “I watch A24 films. I am enlightened.”

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GAMER DELUSION CHECK

You are NOT:
— a gamer who plays everything on “story mode” and brags like he defeated God,
— someone who rage-quits Tetris,
— someone who calls themselves a “pro” because they once killed a bot,
— someone still waiting for Half-Life 3 like it’s a religious prophecy,
— someone who uses “git gud” as a self-help philosophy.

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SCIENCE BULLSHIT DETECTOR

You are NOT:
— someone who thinks quantum entanglement means FTL texting your crush,
— someone who thinks quantum tunneling = future teleportation booths,
— someone who believes “electrons have feelings if you talk to them nicely,”
— someone who thinks Schrödinger’s cat is a real cat NASA lost,
— someone who watched Interstellar once and now explains black holes to astrophysicists,
— someone who believes “dark matter is just God hiding stuff.”

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SPIRITUAL & ZODIAC DELUSIONS

You are NOT:
— someone who starts their decisions with “As a Sagittarius…”,
— someone who thinks Mercury retrograde ruined their marriage,
— someone who calls themselves “an empath” but is just rude,
— someone who brings crystals to job interviews,
— someone who says “I manifest things” but hasn’t manifested rent yet.

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INTERNET CLOWNERY

You are NOT:
— a guy who writes “alpha male” in his Instagram bio,
— someone who comments “first” under YouTube videos in 2026,
— someone who believes memes are a love language,
— someone whose entire personality is Minecraft,
— someone who calls their opinions “hot takes” but they’re all lukewarm,
— someone who posts gym selfies but does 3 pushups and a prayer.

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PERSONALITY FAILURES

You are NOT:
— someone who thinks drinking IPAs gives them a personality,
— someone whose confidence is measured in millimeters,
— a man who says “bro trust me” before giving terrible advice,
— someone whose dad calls them “champ” ironically,
— someone who thinks reading Dune once unlocked universal enlightenment,
— someone who takes notes during Joe Rogan episodes.

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THE FINAL BRAIN CELL FILTER

You are NOT:
— someone who thinks AI is magic,
— someone who fears 5G towers because “vibes felt weird,”
— someone who uses “literally” to mean “not literally,”
— someone who thinks NFTs are coming back,
— someone who thinks ChatGPT is a sentient demon,
— someone who says “I’m quirky” but can’t list a single quirk,

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ThE MoDeRn AuDiEnCe

You are NOT:
— someone who thinks every story needs to be “updated for MoDeRn AuDiEnCe,”
— someone who gets nervous when fiction has sharp edges,
— someone who thinks morally gray characters need HR supervision,
— someone who wants villains to pause the plot and explain their trauma,
— someone who believes every apocalypse needs cozy representation and soft lighting,
— someone who calls corporate slop “brave and refreshing,”
— someone who needs a redemption arc for the chainsaw,
— someone who thinks discomfort is a writing mistake,
— someone who wants horror to be safe, validated, and emotionally available,
— someone who sees a flawed character and immediately asks, “But are we supposed to like them?”
— someone who thinks art should apologize before it speaks,
— someone who believes the audience must be protected from the emotionally unstable, literature-abusing basement goblin who calls himself an author,

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If NOT —

welcome to the filthy void of Adult Sci-Fi.

If YES, I AM —

get out before grandma catches you reading this.
This piece of cosmic trash —
which the delusional author calls “literature” —
is NOT for you.

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