[Dick, back in his cosmic baritone]“Well well well… let’s keep going.”
The ship was falling through a hyper-rift.
Zeros hovered silently at the navigation terminal.
Blindy finally caught his breath, walked up—and shattered the sacred silence Zeros had hoped would last the entire trip.
“Hey—hey… Rusty…
what the hell was that back there?
Why’d they all go nuts like that?
They were—like—askin’ that dick-droid to clap ’em—
you get any of that… or am I losin’ it?!”
Phoenix didn’t hesitate:
“Yes. I’ve already run a few hypotheses.
Even for a rock concert, the crowd behavior was highly illogical. And considering the typical audience of Butt Pimple operates below average…
cognitive thresholds…
meaning complete idiots—”
[Jackie jumps into the broadcast]“Normal people listen to them!
Phoenix, YOU’RE the idiot—wrong as always!”
[Dick coughs, taking the air back]“Yeah yeah… fangirl. Phoenix is just as useless dumbass as Zeros and Blindy. What did you expect?..
Just don’t interrupt, alright?
Where was I…Ah, right—”
Phoenix continued:
“…But even for idiots, the behavior was unusual.
Conclusion: they may KNOW you.
And know you well.
Your actions, your movement patterns, your reactions.It appeared they were… fans.”
Blindy’s eyes lit up.
But Phoenix added:
“Someone is talking about you. In detail.
With embellishments.”
[Dick chokes on air]“Ohhh shit… if they ever find out it’s US—
we’re fucked, baby… absolutely fucked…”
[Jackie exhales]“Relax. Keep going. Let’s see where this goes.”
[Dick swallows again]“O-okay… no panic…”
Zeros summed it up coldly:
“Then one of us talks too much.
I’m excluded.
I don’t leave witnesses.
And I don’t like talking.”
He slowly turned toward Blindy—
all forty-seven degrees of pure hatred.
“That leaves one rotten piece of shit.
BLINDY.
THIS.
IS.
YOU.”
Blindy was about to object—but Phoenix cut him off:
“I agree with Zeros’ iron logic.
Probability: 97.99%.
It is definitely Blindy.”
Blindy scratched the back of his head, defeated:
“Well… uh… sorry, man…
Yeah… you’re probably right…
I—uh—I don’t really control my mouth when I’m drunk…
Like—normally? I’m tight—sealed—nothin’ comes out…
professional level… I swear.But when I drink too much…
it just—
it just starts sayin’ shit…I’m… I’m not really… me anymore…
I’m like… off-brand me…”
[Dick exhales loudly, like he just survived death]“Fuuuuuck… we’re safe…
Baby, you have no idea how lucky we are…”
[Jackie exhales too]“Yeah… wait. What if they did find out?
What would happen?”
[Dick freezes, picturing apocalypse]“Baby…
Zeros is a psycho-droid.
If he ever found out we’ve been broadcasting his entire life to the whole galaxy…AUTHOR—dead.
Me—worse, but still dead at the end.
You… might survive.Blindy would protect you.
He’s a simp, after all.So yeah…
We got VERY, VERY lucky…
that all three of them—
are the SAME
LEVEL
OF IDIOTS.”
[Dick pours himself some Johnnie Wanker™, grimaces, downs it in one go]“Alright… let’s keep telling the story.
While we’re still alive.”