The onboard AI was messing with Blindy.
Hell, at this point everyone’s messing with him.
Once Airi got bored bullying that imbecile from a trash planet, she chirped, bright as always:
“Chūmoku! Chūmoku!
Preparing for hyper-jump!
ଘ[੭ˊ꒳ˋ]੭✧”
And then suddenly, space in front of the ship lit up
like spacetime itself just said: “Whoa—hold the fuck up.”
Right in front of them, an enormous station began forming,
slowly drawing itself into existence.
Long. Dark.
Shaped like a massive wakizashi,
stretching for miles into the void—
the kind of ship people didn’t fight.
They ran.
Because when an Ō–Naginata entered a battlefield,
it didn’t just trade fire.
It carved.
Through fleets.
Through formations.
Through anything stupid enough to be in front of it—
like an icebreaker
that didn’t slow down.
And at that exact moment, Airi shrieked in that cute but absolutely deadly voice:
“A–RĀ–MU! A–RĀ–MU! (｡Ó﹏Ò｡)
Flagship ahead, Ō–Naginata class S!
They have initiated a cyberattack on all my systems!”
She paused dramatically
then added, much more cheerfully:
“Ahh, so that’s how it is… Ψ[ ●｀▽´● ]Ψ
Initiating counterattack.
WAR HAS BEGUN!
Omae wa mō shinde iru, Ō–Naginata!”
Blindy started twitching in panic,
like a cockroach under a spotlight,
desperately looking for a corner to hide in
then remembered they were in open space
inside a smooth ship with
NOT A SINGLE GODDAMN HIDING SPOT.
“ZEEEEEROOOOS!
FUCK—FUCK—!
WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDIN’ THERE?!
CLAP, DAMN IT—CLAP!
DO THE THING—THE CLAP THING—!”
Zeros stood there coldly, watching the flagship,
which had already deployed EVERY weapon imaginable,
and probably a few that shouldn’t even exist yet.
Thousands, tens of thousands of barrels, launchers, lasers, annihilators
all aimed directly at them.
The psychodroid said:
“Can’t.”
Blindy choked on his own spit.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN CAN’T?!
WHAT THE HELL DOES CAN’T EVEN MEAN RIGHT NOW?!
WE’RE ABOUT TO DIE—THERE IS NO ‘CAN’T’—
THERE IS ONLY CLAP!”
Shiori dashed into the pilot seat.
She slammed ten buttons at once,
hoping at least one of them would actually do something.
She had only sat there twice in her life:
once for a selfie,
and the second time
right now.
Usually Airi handles everything. She just asks.
In that sense, she and Blindy were the same:
neither of them had any clue how to fly a ship.
“Calm down…” she said calmly then immediately snapped: “Airi-chan! Get us out of here!”
Airi replied as sweetly as if ten thousand cyber-ships weren’t trying to tear her apart:
“Shiori-sensei, I cannot initiate hyper-jump.
All systems are currently engaged
in repelling a DDOS attack. ⁽͑˙˟́˙̭˟̀˙⁾̉
Please give me a few minutes…”
Blindy screamed hysterically.
” “ZEEEEROOOS!
CLAAAAAP!
DO—DO WHATEVER YOU WANT—JUST—JUST FUCKIN’ CLAP!”
Zeros replied coldly.
“I told you, I can’t.
One minute you’re begging me not to clap, next minute you’re begging me to clap.
Piece of shit.
Make up your mind.”
He turned his head slightly.
“I encrypted the clap function with a quantum key.
Breaking it will take longer than Airi needs to enter hyper.”
Blindy actually teared up for a second.
“B-buddy…
that’s… that’s actually… really touching… Like—seriosly…
You—you respected my request…”
For one brief, fragile moment, he looked like a normal, grateful human being.
Then it broke.
“BUT—BUT—
WHO THE HELL LOCKS THEIR OWN SHIT
WITH A QUANTUM KEY?!
WHO DOES THAT?!
THAT’S NOT NORMAL, BUDDY!”
Inside Zeros, something clicked.
Very quietly.
Very dangerously.
“Airi,” he said.
“Hai, Zerosu-sama~? [o^▽^o]” she replied instantly, stretching her voice sweetly like she was playing.
“Target: Naginata,” Zeros said as casually as if he’d asked her to grab him a beer on the way.
A short pause followed.
The kind that usually ends in a flash and debris.
“Target locked… ༼ง=ಠ益ಠ=༽ง” Airi replied, and something strange slipped into her tone, almost childish anticipation.
Blindy squinted through the viewport.
“I… I REALLY don—don’t—don’t like the way you said tha-that…”
Zeros continued:
“Strike it with the most powerful charge you have.”
A brief pause. Then he added:
“For example…
a cluster of the ‘OH MY FUCK’ particle.
Use minimum power.
That should… be enough.”
Airi froze.
For a fraction of a second.
Like she was calculating the fate of the galaxy.
“Weapon system active.
‘OH MY GOD’ particle charge ready. ദ്ദി◝ ⩊ ◜.ᐟ
Awaiting confirmation from Shiori-sensei.”
Shiori shot up from her seat.
“WHAT?!
WAIT!
STOP!”
She spun toward Zeros.
“Where the hell did YOU learn about the OMG cannon?!”
Then up toward the ceiling.
“Airi…
did YOU tell him?!”
Airi produced a perfectly guilty tone:
“Īe-īe~
Zerosu-sama discovered it himself…
Ah, temeee… while we were chatting, huh?.. ψ[｀∇´]ψ”
Shiori slowly turned back to Zeros.
With the exact look of someone who had just realized
she wasn’t standing next to an ally
but next to an uncovered apocalypse reactor.
“…Just my luck…” she muttered quietly. “Fine.
Do it…
…hope I don’t regret this.”
Blindy snapped.
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ‘DO IT’?!
DO WHAT?!
WHAT ARE WE DOIN’—WHY AM I HERE—
WHY IS THIS MY LIFE?!”
Something deep under the ship began to hum.
Low. Dangerous.
Like a tiny demon just woke up, stretched,
and decided to ruin everything.
From beneath Airi’s hull, something launched.
A little sphere. Small. Blue.
About the size of a lemon.
Faintly glowing.
It drifted forward slowly, gently,
like a bee going to smell a flower.
Blindy stared.
“…This?
THIS?!
THIS is the MOST POWERFUL CHARGE?!
I ALMOST DIED FOR A GLOWIN’ LEMON?!
I PANICKED FOR THIS?!”
The sphere touched the flagship.
Half a second.
Nothing.
And then:
WHITE EXPLOSION
Ō–Naginata folded inward,
then tore outward
like the universe itself sneezed.
A mini-supernova flared in silence,
twisted space,
tore at the vacuum.
The shockwave reached their ship.
The shields flickered once.
Like: “okay”
And everything went quiet.
Blindy screamed, grabbing his eyes:
“AAAAAA—!
MY EYES—!
I’M BLIND—
I’M ACTUALLY—FOR REAL—BLIND NOW!
THIS IS IT—THIS IS HOW IT ENDS!”
“Temporarily,” Zeros said calmly.
Shiori collapsed into her seat.
Just dropped into a fog of quiet despair.
Zeros turned his head toward her.
“Thank you, Shiori, for allowing it.
That idiot would never have shut up.
Hey, Airi… good job.”
Airi sang softly:
“Target eliminated. ヽ[⌐■_■]ノ♪♬
Cleanliness restored.
Prepare for hyper-jump~”
Blindy was still blinking with red, burning eyes:
“I FUCKIN’ HATE ALL OF YOU…
YOU CRAZY—SPACE—PSYCHOS!
NONE OF THIS IS NORMAL!”
Zeros, watching the fading light of the explosion:
“Hatred registered. And…
Ignored.”