VJOOM PS-SHH-SHIIIT TUDUM
RADIO NEBULA 69.99 FTLM![A short cosmic jazz jingle, like a bunch of lobster-things tried to play jazz, couldn't find a saxophone, grabbed a lawnmower instead, and by slamming it with their claws accidentally produced better jazz than half the graduates of the Galactic Jazz Academy][Dick, exhaling heavily, tired baritone]“Just a reminder, you lovely galactic gremlins…
you’re listening to the late-night podcast
‘Night with Melody and Jackie Rho™,’
right here on Radio Nebula 69.99 FTLM…With you is YOUR…
…one and only,
incomparable,
unmatched,
fucking magnificent…
and universally adored…Dick Melody.
And—”
[Jackie bursts in with the energy of a solar flare]“And the smartest, most stunning, absolutely charming and ridiculously cool DJ
in our entire galaxy…Jacqueline ‘Jackie’ Rho!”
[Jackie's voice practically jump-started Dick back to life]“Baby, tell the listeners where our quartet’s heading next…
while I take my antidepressants.”
[Jackie claps her hands happily, like she just got her favorite candy]“Alright, alright!
Tonight we covered so many incredible places across our beloved galaxy…
And after all that—
an epic fight, a small-scale massacre,
and Blindy‘s heartfelt disaster of trying to impress Shiori—the next step, as our magnificent Fabio would say…
is obvious.We go somewhere older than common sense.
Planet PSR B1620−26 b.
Methuselah.
Scorpius constellation.By the way, Dick…
you are a Scorpio, right?Everyone out there who’s a Scorpio like our dear old Dick and Methuselah…
give me a ‘Yoo-hooo!'”
[Rating +2.5%]“This blue old giant is one of the oldest known planets.
It’s 12.7 billion years old.
Yeah, you heard that right.
Just one billion years younger than the universe itself.
Basically the same generation.
Imagine it…
The early universe.
Matter everywhere.
And three tiny clusters of cosmic dust devouring everything in sight.
Two of them stuffed themselves enough
to become stars.The third one didn’t get as much…
and ended up as a massive gas giant,
about two and a half times thicker than Jupiter.So yes, my dear listeners…
even on a cosmic scale,
life isn’t exactly fair.Two gluttons become stars.
One underfed guy becomes a planet.
But…
But—time did what it always does.
Stars burn.
Stars die.One exploded and became a pulsar,
spinning a hundred times per second.The other cooled down into a white dwarf.
And the planet?
Still there.
Still fat.
Still smug, like it’s saying,‘I’m gonna outlive all these shiny fools.’
And now…
our favorite quartet is heading right there,
to an orbital station
circling Methuselah,
using the gas giant itself as fuel.”
[Dick starts clapping reluctantly. Three slow claps, just loud enough to be heard]“Baby… now that’s better.
Still a long way from REDDICK level, of course…
but you’ve got your own style.
You know…
like a grandma telling bedtime stories.
So soothing I almost passed out.
Alright, play the music.
Let the listeners finally fall the f—
…ahem…
relax.”
[Jackie smiles, glowing like a tiny supernova, and looks at Dick]“Here’s another piece from the Saga of Code, by… Nova Liría—oh, I love her so much. The song is called Moonlight Walk™.
Just the way you like it… soulful.”
[The soft melodies fade… and then Dick's voice tears through the broadcast like a supernova exploding on the FTLM frequency]“YOU FILTHY GREMLINS! DON’T YOU DARE FALL ASLEEP!
We’re continuing this goddamn story.
Morning’s almost here, and I’m not getting paid for a second shift anyway!
Alright, alright…
Where were we?
Oh yeah…”