“Jackie…
go ahead.
Start reading this cosmic trash.
Let’s get through it before I gotta pop blood pressure pills again.”
[He paused for a second, hand raised, then added]“…but hey—before you do that…
put somethin’ on.”
[Jackie flipped through her playlist, already smiling]“Yes can do, Dick.
I got just the thing for this…
‘ST★RLIGHT RIDE’ by Wyatt Hale.”
[A sharp switch clicks][As soft steel guitar drifted through the broadcast, Jackie smoothly scrolled through the digital message panel, her voice turning sweet and innocent—just enough to mask the contempt]“Alright… brace yourself, Dick.
We’ve accumulated a very… interesting collection of messages.
Let’s start with the most ‘inspiring’ one.”
[She read the first message, raising an eyebrow slightly]"First message from listener Royce Dallamir, SST age 24…‘Jackie, you’re so sweet! Dick’s old and mean. Can you talk more and make grandpa shut up?'”
[Dick jerked in his seat like someone jabbed him with a three-meter needle]“ROYCE?! What kind of dumbass name is that?!
How about YOU shut up!
Or better yet—evolve into something with a decent name!”
[He kept waving his arms at the mic until his muscles gave up][Jackie smiled pleasantly into the mic]"Next message from Frua'Kellion, SST age 44…‘When will you play adult music? I want to hear… real vibrations… if you know what I mean.'”
[Short, heavy pause. Jackie sighed]“Uh… Dick…
by Terran standards, that makes him ten.
He’s just a kid…”
[Dick nearly choked on air]“WHAT?!
Where the hell are his parents?!
Hey, Frua!
Go watch kid shit!
This show ain’t for you!
Grow a beard or something—then send messages!”
[Jackie barely held back a laugh]“Karglaxi don’t grow facial hair.”
[Dick froze like a glitching modem]“Baby…
why do you even KNOW that?
And how do you know what species he is?!”
[Jackie shrugged as if the question itself were strange, then snorted, trying to stay serious]“From the name…”
[She held it for a second… then cracked, smiling]“Ah… okay, okay…
ΣigmaMind helps me out.”
[A quick glance at her holo-phone]“For example…
Frua’Kellion in poetic Kraglahian means ‘Born Dead.'”
[Dick stared at the screen like it might bite him]“Holy cosmic shit…
Alright, whatever. Next.”
[Dick poured himself whiskey. A big glass. A very big glass]"Message from Mulli'Kuar, SST age 494…‘Dick Melody. You are too loud.
My event horizons are vibrating.'”
[Dick looked at the mic with disgust]“Listen, Mulli’Kuar…
my ass vibrates when Todd walks into the studio.
We’re even.”
[Jackie gently raised a finger—her turn]“Uh… Dick, you misunderstood her.
The Beptur—where the name Mulli’Kuar comes from—
their home planet orbits a Reissner–Nordström black hole.”
[Dick blinked. Twice. Possibly for the first time in his life]“Cosmic bullshit.
What the hell is that?”
[Jackie exhaled tiredly]“A charged black hole without rotation.
So her message was actually a poetic compliment.”
[Dick waved it off]“I don’t give a shit. Next!”
[Jackie scrolls—and suddenly gasps]'Message from… new fan… Nova Liría, SST age unknown…'“Aigoooya—
That’s NOVA LIRÍA—
Aigo… no way—no way—”
[She covers her mouth to avoid screaming on air]“She wrote to us… I mean—to me!”
[Reading, breathy]“‘💫💖✨ JACKIE I LOVE YOU ✨💖💫'”
[Jackie melts into a whisper]“Oh… thank you, Nova…
I love you too…
I have all your albums…
I know every word to your songs…
My friends are gonna be SO jealous…”
[Dick slams the table]“AND WHAT ABOUT ME?!
No stars?! No hearts?!”
[He grabs his holo-phone]“Hold up…”
[Typing, quick, a little too focused]“‘⭐ Dick… you the man… ⭐'”
[He leans into the mic, half-serious]“Dick… you’re the man…
See… I got fans too…”
[Jackie ignores him completely and continues calmly]"Message from R-8U5T, SST age 97…‘UPDATE COMPLETE.
TERMINATION MODE—CANCELED.'”
[She blinks]“Uh… well… probably an android.
Maybe sent by accident? Hehe…
Guess the poor thing mixed up a system protocol…”
[Dick jumps out of his chair]“NO, BABY.
That does NOT happen by accident.
TODD! YOU HEAR ME?!
YOU SEE THIS SHIT?!”
[He fans himself with a sheet of paper] “We are being THREATENED
by some rusty piece of scrap metal!
THIS what you wanted, you slimy toad?!”