The saucer above the square flickered, pulsed,
and slowly descended.
Someone fainted.
Someone behind them fainted
because the first guy fainted.
Blindy squeaked like a crushed toy pig:
” Zeros… buddy…
you’re jokin’, right?!
Whoever’s piloting that thing—
that’s gotta be some insane bastard…
terrifying… evil…
maybe… like… sexually disturbed or some shit…”
Zeros, expressionless:
“You don’t see it, moron?
You just gave a perfect description of yourself.
I’m telling you—it’s a human.”
The aliens collectively lost their shit.
Blindy started panicking, hands shaking:
“WHAT?! HOW?! NO WAY!
Humans didn’t build that!
We could barely make toasters that didn’t explode
when UFOs first showed up!”
Zeros flexed his joints,
like he was warming up before a lecture:
“In the early twentieth century,
there were humans who were completely unhinged.They experimented with disc-shaped craft.
Very ambitious.
Very stupid.
Like everything else they do.”
The saucer flickered again.
Now it blinked like a drunk firefly
that had just gained access to Doce’s cheapest liquor.
Zeros continued:
“Most of their projects failed.
Terra’s global community collectively beat the shit out of them.
BUT—
some concepts… migrated.
Some were stolen.
And some were continued by people
who should NEVER have been allowed near tools.”
Frua’Kellion shook all his tentacles:
“So it was YOU bastards abducting US?!”
Blindy:
“N-no!
We don’t— we don’t abduct aliens!”
A short, uncomfortable pause.
Then it hit him.
Professionally speaking…
they’d abducted plenty of people—
humans, aliens, whatever had a price on its head.
He swallowed.
“I mean—
maybe—
okay—
I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE!”
Grovy Lumlax burst into tears:
“YOU took my uncle!!”
Blindy, spitting in frustration:
“Will you LET ME FINISH?!”
Suddenly, the saucer emitted a low, horrifying sound:
BWOOOOOP
Everyone ducked.
Except Zeros.
He sighed.
“That’s it.
I’m done.
I don’t give a shit about humans.
Aliens.
Or your uncle, you crying little shit.”
Frua’Kellion wrapped his tentacles around the Plaxotin:
“That’s awful… don’t say that…”
The Plaxotin exploded in a scream:
“I WANT MY UNCLE BACK!!!”
Blindy waved his arms, trying to calm everyone down:
“Wait—wait—WAIT!!
Humans spent a whole damn century freakin’ out—thinkin’ UFOs were aliens!
Aliens spent a whole damn century freakin’ out—thinkin’ it was US!
SO IF IT AIN’T THAT—
THEN WHO THE HELL’S BEEN SNATCHIN’ ALL OF US, HUH?!”
Zeros, casually:
“Stinking meat abducts other stinking meat.
In the end…
everyone abducts someone.”
The saucer trembled slightly—
almost like a sigh—
then turned
and drifted away,
wobbling like a balloon
that regretted ever showing up
to be discussed by degenerates.
Silence fell.
Zeros looked at Blindy, realizing that if he left him here one more minute,
he’d start a fight, a debate, a duel,
or a philosophical argument with a streetlamp.
The android grabbed him by the collar
and dragged him toward the hangar.
Blindy, dangling, shouted back at the crowd:
“HEY!
WHOEVER THE HELL’S DOING THE ABDUCTIN’—
NO ANAL PROBES, ALRIGHT?!
HAVE SOME DAMN DECENCY, YOU ANIMALS!!”