— DING-DONG—[You used 0.7 seconds of auto-translation.
You have been charged Ꞩ2,000]
“Jackie, the company owes me two grand. Put it on the invoice.
Aaaalright…
You’re listening to the late-night podcast Nights with Melody™.
You’re tuned to Radio Nebula 69.99 FTL-M.
This is old Dick Melody™…
and according to Todd—my disgraced ex-agent—
I am obliged to read an ‘official scientific briefing’
so the listener understands the cosmic context.I can already feel my brain cells going on strike.
Fine, let’s see.”
[sound of paper rustling]"A0620-00 (V616 Monocerotis) is located in the constellation Monoceros
Central object—compact gravitational singularity
with a mass of six point six solar—"“…No.
No-no-no.
Sorry, gremlins.
I am NOT reading this shit.
My IQ will shrink from stupidity.
And you gremlins— well, you’re already in the negatives.I run a late-night radio show,
not a goddamn astrophysics lecture.My voice already sounds like I’ve been doing anal karaoke
thanks to Mister Zhee.And you want me to talk about ‘orbital resonances’?
Alright, screw it.
I’m opening CosmoNet™.
At least the folks there write better than Todd.Well… normal idiots.”
CLICK“There! Much better.
Found a great post on REDDICK™…”
COSMO-GUIDE—THE HUMAN EXPLANATION OF THE UNIVERSE
Recommended for everyone who hates science.
“Alright, what do we have here?
‘The Deep Throat System.’
Oh-ho, yes.
NOW we’re talking.Information for regular morons—
meaning 99.9% of the galactic population, not those academy nerds who talk out of their asses.Let’s see…”
"Central Object: Black Hole, local name—Deep Throat
Official designation: A0620-00 A"“Of course.
Naturally humans named a cosmic nightmare
after an ancient porno.Classic human culture—raised entirely on HornHub™.
They invented interstellar travel…
but still learn astronomy through pornography.I’m sure even our gremlin Zhee understands Cosmonglish
when he goes to ‘study’ on that site…Anyway, moving on.”
"Companion Star: Suckalia
officially A0620-00 B.
Class: orange dwarf runt, slightly stretched by tidal forces. Slowly nibbled by DH"“‘Slightly’?
Reddick, honey, don’t bullshit me.
I’ve seen the photo—
it’s the ugliest star in the entire galaxy.It looks like it’s trying to snuggle up to the black hole and whisper:
‘Take me completely…’
I’ve always said it—
the universe is the biggest pervert of all.Alright, before you fall asleep—continuing…”
"Planet: Mülldeponie or Mold'Pony.
Type: oceanic.
Features: trash ring, meteoro-garbage storms, mega-hurricanes bigger than ass of mom of—"“…Nope.
Not reading that.
Someone keeps inserting their dumb jokes into the description.Anyway…
Officially it’s A0620-00 E…
but nobody calls it that unless they hate themselves.
Somewhere out there are dozens of other planets we don’t give a shit about.
Some orbit DT. Others orbit that wannabe star.
Heh… some of ’em even switch their orbital center—like an unfaithful spouse—
bouncing between the black hole and that dumbass star.Amazing…
What’s next?!”
"The whole planet has ONE major landmass…
and tens of millions of tiny islands so small
they're embarrassing to draw on a map."“Every day the waves come in the size of… well, the ass of that guy’s mom’s…
and slam so hard not a single tree has ever managed to grow there.So yeah:
a giant waterlogged dumpster,
with trash on the surface
and trash in orbit.Beautiful.
A paradise ordered from Temu and resold through Wish.I always figured—
if Heaven existed,
it sure as hell wouldn’t be here.Tourism highlights…”
"Night sky: black hole occupies up to 30% of the heavens.
Accretion disk and gravitational lensing visible."“Yeah, yeah.
At night, instead of a moon,
you get a monstrous porn-star-from-the-abyss hovering overhead.Romance level:
‘Look, darling—the sky.
If it falls, we get sucked into a singularity.
And as the great Cox said—
—no, not that bastard who sold counterfeit cokes mixed with moonshine—the other Cox. The one with a brain.—
it’ll pull us so hard we’ll experience spaghettification.
Which, in plain terms…
means we stretch like idiots across space—
nice and slow—
till we’re basically part of the hole.’Next up…”
"Day sky: Suckalia—small, unstable, and slightly… weird."“Mmm. ‘Weird.’
Thanks, Reddick,
for describing a star like someone’s ex
nobody wants to see at the party.But yes—
during the day you’ve got a tiny sun.
A shy one.
Like it isn’t sure if it’s even supposed to be turned on.And finally:
‘Reason for the trash ring:
gravitational instability of the system…
…former disposal zone 4-21-13-16-19-20-5-18.’Meaning humans used to dump garbage there officially…
and now the dumpster dumps humans—literally.Circle of life.
Alright, gremlins.
Hope you enjoyed our sightseeing tour of the system
where daytime is lit by an ugly the tiniest possible star
and nighttime stares back at you
with a cosmic porno-demon from the abyss.Now that you understand the horror…
we can finally get to the story.The story of two idiots, who managed to survive in a place
the galaxy itself gave up on long ago.Jackie, hit the jingle.”
— KRRR-CHAKK—VZRAAAM—TUDUDUM—