— VJOOM—… pTOTALSHIIT–NFFFT—TUDUM —(a cosmo-jazz jingle that sounds like someone compressed every ounce of shame, humiliation, and moral fisting a sentient organism can feel above IQ level twenty)
Alright, alright…
Reminder: you’re tuned to the late-night podcast Nights with Melody™.
You’re listening to Radio Nebula 69.99 FTL-M…
And with you — your one and only,
your beloved, incomparable, slightly smoke-seasoned host—
Dick Melody.
And here in the booth with me sits Jacqueline “Jackie” Rho —
brilliant, breathtaking, and the goddamn coolest DJ
in this whole miserable galaxy.
With her face, honestly, she could be making millions on HornHub™.
But no…
she chooses weird boyfriends with eyes that rotate 360 degrees twice,
and a job at this battered excuse of a radio station.
A dream girl, folks.
Sweetie, listen:
I may be an old fart,
a grade-A grouch,
and an absolute unbearable asshole…
but without you I couldn’t haul
this metric ton of galactic bullshit on my back.
Now then. Speaking of bullshit…
Reminder: we’re broadcasting a story written by one deranged bastard
who decided to title it:
“I HATE HUMANS™ —
THE SARCASTIC, SADISTIC,
SWEAR-SOAKED SPACE OPERA.”
A story you idiots somehow adore.
Because it’s—
(Todd’s note: attention, read this and don’t choke)
sleazy, snarky, smartass, subversive, scandalous, sly, sinister, shameless, satirical, sassy, sharp-tongued, smug, savvy, shocking, suspenseful, spirited, scrappy, stubborn, shit-talking, spiteful, sardonic, seedy, sci-fi, swagger-loaded, star-fucked, smuggler-ran, ship-wrecking, sci-fi shenanigans.
Todd…
you brain-damaged mongoose…
you actually printed all of that for me.
Alright, Jackie, darling…
Hit the trashy opening.
Let our listeners enjoy themselves
and hate their existence even more…
What?
Oh hell no.
Not this.
These guys give me diarrhea.
Imagine this, folks:
Turns out our lovely Jackie is a HUGE fan of Butt Pimple…
And apparently EVERYTHING we’ve listened to so far
were their shitty tracks.
And now —
an exclusive track.
Recorded specifically for our show.
Premiering live:
“CHAOS KINGS™” by Butt Pimple™…
Ah, screw it.
Jackie…
PLAY IT