Z-P-N-E-S 2.0 slid through hyperspace—
not flying, but falling,
like on the other side of reality someone grabbed the fabric of the cosmos
and decided to fold it in half.
On the galactic map, the ship’s marker
moved from the edge of the Perseus Arm,
cut across the fourth quadrant,
and rushed toward the Orion Arm,
where Sol and its planets waited—
including Terra, dear to Blindy’s heart.
~2500 parsecs of distance.
But the ship’s marker on the map
was moving much faster than it should…
[Dick, on radio station]“If you remember, my dear gremlins,
a couple episodes ago,
our lovely Jackie explained to us illiterates
the types of ships
and how a hyperdrive bends space
like we bend paper.”
[He turned to her expectantly]“That what you said, baby?”
[Jackie nodded, rolling one shoulder slightly]“Well… yeah, you could say it like that.”
[She pressed her headphones closer and continued,
switching into her signature
"education with affection" tone]“The key thing to understand is—hyper isn’t faster-than-light travel.
It’s not a tunnel that dodges traffic,
and you can’t just hit turbo or nitro
to ‘go faster.’There’s no speed in hyperspace at all.
It’s a change of state.”
[Dick nodded like a student who had just learned the Earth isn't flat]“Yeah… yeah… I get it… kinda.”
[Jackie smiled and kept going]“How fast the transition happens
depends only on the hyperdrive
and how much it can bend space.And—time too.”
[She leaned forward slightly, a soft seriousness slipping into her voice]“If I put it in your language, Dick:
hyperspace bends
not just space—
but TIME.So a journey that would take a million years…
in normal reality…
takes days in hyper.And if you’ve got someone like Zeros on board—
maybe an hour.”
[She shrugged]“He can bend space way harder than a standard drive is designed for.
And if you bend space too aggressively…
you’re not just changing the route—
you’re messing with time too.
That’s why hyperdrives have strict safety thresholds.…And trust me, you don’t want to test that.
Hypothetically—
and as a lot of pop-culture fiction keeps warning us—
that kind of thing tends to end in catastrophic consequences.
So far… thankfully…
nobody’s actually pushed it that far.You see—space and time—
they’re not two separate things.They’re one fabric. That’s literally what it’s called…
SPACETIME.”
[Dick smirked, pleased—like a kid who'd just been handed a brand-new bike]“Jackie, sweetie,
thank you for always educating us illiterate creatures.
And… damn, how perfectly you brought up time.
Right on cue.
Well then!
Let’s continue the story
after receiving our intellectual upgrade.”
The navigation map on the terminal
beautifully displayed the ship’s movement across the galaxy.
Blindy—
and honestly, half the engineers at KANZAKI ARC FOUNDATION™—
always believed this was a real visualization of the route.
But in truth…
It was just an animation.
Pretty. Smooth. Comforting.
Calming the nerves just like a Windows loading bar that says:
"1% remaining…
…and then holds your balls hostage for another half a day."Zeros, however,
unlike everyone else,
did not trust interfaces.
He looked at the map a little closer—
and noticed something wrong.
The “loading” was moving too fast.
Way too fucking unnatural
from the standpoint of general relativity.
But worse than that—
even by his own
Theory of Zeros Relativity,
based on two fundamental principles:
- “Fuck GR.”
- “If something is happening faster than TZR allows—
then very soon there will be TOTAL FUCKING CHAOS.”
It looked like Phoenix, inspired by his own success,
decided to…
push things a little.
And in the process,
bent the universe’s ass the wrong way.
After a while, Phoenix proudly announced:
“We have arrived. Pilots, Terra will soon be visible through the canopy ahead.”
Blindy howled with joy:
“FINALLY!
MOTHER TERRA!
THE CRADLE OF HUMAN—”
And then—bam.
When Z-P-N-E-S 2.0 dropped out of hyperspace,
where Sol and the blue, beloved Terra were supposed to shine…
…there was absolutely NOTHING.
Just emptiness.
Darkness.
And NONE of what he expected.
He cut off instantly, going pale:
“WHERE—WHERE THE FUCK IS TERRA?!
THE CRADLE OF HUMANITY!
RUSTY, WHERE THE FUCK IS MOTHER?!”
Zeros slowly raised his head and looked out the canopy:
“Phoenix. Explain. NOW.”
Phoenix, completely confident, like everything was perfectly normal:
“Huh? Coordinates are correct. I’m the ship’s AI, for fuck’s sake. I do NOT make mistakes.”
A microsecond.
“Uh… scanning for Terra…”
Hundreds of calculation lines ran across the holo-terminal.
“Terra located.
Offset— ~200,000 AU from expected position.
Strange…
Whatever. Setting course to Terra.”
Blindy was breathing heavily:
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ‘STRANGE’?!
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!
I REALLY—REALLY DON’T LIKE THIS!”