[Dick tapped the microphone and fired off fast]“Alright, Selly, short version, we gave you everything.
Life’s unfair as hell.
So, dear gremlins, just accept it already and quit whining.
Humans were first. That’s it.
Same thing happened on Terra.
Some nations colonized others,
brought them civilization…
and then suddenly, yeah, turned into assholes.”
[Jackie covered her face, visibly horrified by what he was saying]“Went into space, same damn story.
Oh boo-hoo, look how terrible we are for helping dozens of species get on their feet
and, hell, reach the stars.Don’t like Cosmonglish?
Then you should’ve come up with your own.
Oh wait… sorry.
Actually, no, not sorry.
We gave you civilization
and a chance to live on other planets—”
[Jackie frowned, puffed her cheeks, and sharply cut his microphone]“Dick! Enough!
Right now you don’t sound like a tired old cynic.
You sound like a full-blown xenophobe.…Just because humans were the first explorers
does not make YOU special, my dear Dick.Yes, humans reached interstellar space first.
So what?
Who gets to choose where they’re born?
Did anyone ask you,
‘Would you like to be born as Dick,
an angry, aging radio host?’You talk like this,
and then you wonder why you don’t get enough likes on INSTAGRIM.
And by the way…
did you already forget
that your artificial kidneys and lungs
are Aelori technology?”
[Dick wheezed like an L-class hyperdrive filled with engine oil instead of fuel. Jackie adds]“You know… Flint texted me…”
[Something inside Dick died and politely requested cremation.
She opened the message and read it on air like it was a love letter, not a sentence]“‘jackieee luv 🥰
u gotta stop torturin poor ol dick fr 😂
we cooked smth new 🎷🎺🎹🎙️
straight groove therapy ngl, gon chill his nerves a bit 😎
tell him we luv the guy no cap ✨
stay strong legend 💪ps NEW band member just dropped 🔥🔥
she… yeah… almost as hot as u ♨️😉
Cynthia “Sparks” Claver joined us—
girl legit makin HISTORY w that angel voice fr 🎤✨hope Dick dont die from hype… or fear 😏'”
[The air held still for a second]“Dear listeners,
please don’t take Dick too seriously.He’s just old, tired, and enjoys provoking people a little too much.
Instead, let’s listen to a new track from Butt Pimple
and get back to Zeros and Blindy,
before my dear Dick
says something truly hateful.”
[Jackie's voice dropped, soft, smooth, almost whispering into the stream]“And now, boys and girls…
Buckle up.
Take a breath.
And get ready to reconsider your taste in music, your life choices,
and possibly your sexual orientation.Because right now on air—
TURNIN’ HEAD IN ZERO-G™
by the legendary Butt Pimple™……performed by Cynthia “Sparks” Claver.
Yes, you heard that right.
She’s not backup.
Not background vocals.
Not the ‘cute girl with effects.’She stepped forward.
And she burned it down.
Now she sings with the boys—
and sometimes in a way that makes them afraid to even open their mouths.A voice that blows hyperdrives.
A voice that makes babies cry on three different planets.
A voice that breaks gravity out of pure stubbornness.This is Cynthia Sparks, kids.
The first intergalactic proof
that rock can evolve…and punch you in the face at the same time.
Let’s go!”
[A sharp switch click][Dick let out a few heavy breaths as the song faded. Somewhere deep in his chest, his artificial lungs hummed softly. He touched Jackie's hand, probably trying to calm himself more than her, and said hoarsely]“Baby… can you describe what our two idiots saw when they reached the hangar?
The listeners have been waiting a whole damn week for this…
But do me a favor… tell it like a storyteller,
not like some academy nerd jerking off to formulas.You were listening to me this whole time, right?
So… go on, sweetie. I’ll just text my agent real quick…”