— NFFFT BRRT—WHAT-THE—TCHUDUM
Radio Nebula 69.99 FTLM![A short cosmic jazz jingle crashes into the broadcast like a drunk sax player performing in open space while getting irradiated by the pulsing VY CMa][Dick, in that velvet voice of his, mixed with fatigue, sarcasm, and a hint of alcohol]“And we’re back with your favorite late-night show, Night with Melody and Jackie Rho™.
If you’re currently losing your shit, don’t worry. Even I’m losing my shit.
Now Jackie… mm… how do I put this…
She’s not just upset…
she looks… yeah… completely devastated.”
[Jackie pouts, but her gaze feels like a rising tsunami]“Not… devastated, Dick.
Just… disappointed.
Very disappointed.”
[Dick turns like he just opened a portal into the Rho family drama]“That because your uncle might be responsible for wiping out an entire planet?”
[Jackie exhales. Long. Heavy. Like a supernova about to break]“He wasn’t supposed to do that…
He’s kind.
He’s… respected.He raised me, you know?
And he paid for my implants when I wanted to look like an adult.
And implants are very, very expensive…”
[Dick stays calm, steady, like a man who saw the galaxy sober exactly once and regretted it]“Yeah, baby… but he also runs the biggest crime syndicate across ten sectors.
Implants don’t really excuse that.”
[Jackie taps the console. Carefully. Like a kitten trying to be a tiger]“I’m still going to talk to him.
That is NOT his style, destroying entire planets.
Hiring two idiots… maybe.
But this…
this is too much.”
[Dick pours himself a glass of Johnnie Wanker™, gives her a look, and slides it over like "here, you're gonna need this]“Alright, sweetie, go talk to him.
Just give us a heads-up first.
We’ll evacuate the studio. You know… just in case.”
[Jackie lets out a quiet growl, but politely declines the glass. Professional. Dick continues]“And besides,
if you believe the official reports… Ma Dong-Rho wasn’t involved.”
[Jackie looks up. A small hope inside very big eyes]“Really?”
[Dick straightens up, switching into his "galactic analyst mode." It's not analysis. It's comfort disguised as analysis—his favorite trick]“Yep.
According to GNN,
the dwarf planet—about the size of a moon—got blown apart by solar winds from VY CMa.”
[Jackie frowns like she just heard a math error]“Solar winds cannot cause that level of structural destruction…”
[Dick smirks, like a wise man who's seen this bullshit twenty times already]“Well… that’s what they said.
They even brought in ‘experts.’
Backed it up.
Nice animation, too. Real convincing. Graphs, arrows, all that good stuff…Then, in perfect harmony, they blamed Macrohard™ for negligence.
And Macrohard™ blamed the contractor.
Because the base had, quote,
‘a minor structural defect.'”
[Jackie covers her face with her hands]“Dick…”
[Dick leans forward, voice softening]“Hold on, sweetie. It gets better.
Macrohard™ paid the families of the victims so many c-bucks
that almost everyone officially forgot they even had relatives.”
[Jackie lowers her hands, stunned]“What…? What…?”
[Dick nods like he's confirming gravity still works]“Yep.
They updated the stats.
Report says:
‘Before payout: 2 million victims. After payout: 0 victims. No claims.’Case closed.”
[Jackie, quietly, almost whispering]“Dick… please…
Tell me this wasn’t… my uncle…”
[Dick downs the whiskey he meant to give her]“Official data says—not your uncle.
Corporate reports say—not your uncle.
Expert testimony says—just a strong solar wind.
And the guy who wrote all this crap? Total degenerate.
He’ll write anything if it gets his garbage read.”
[He leans closer, voice dropping conspiratorially]“And if you want my honest opinion…
And I’m not saying this is fact…”
[He gets even closer]“This smells like an inside job.
Take GSWRM—Galactic Society for Labor Resource Management.
They’ve got people everywhere.
If Macrohard™ ignored safety protocols…
well…GSWRM loves cleaning up hazardous assets using someone else’s hands.
Then they go,
‘Oh… must’ve been strong solar winds.'”
[Jackie exhales in relief]“Phew… well… the important thing is… my uncle isn’t responsible…”
[Dick, gently, almost fatherly]“I told you. Could be any idiot out there.
But not your family.
Ma Dong-Rho is above that.”
[Jackie let it sit for a second, then gave a small, warm smile]“Thank you, Dick…”
[He waves it off, but he's smiling]“Don’t thank me. Just telling the truth.
Just… remind him about me if I ever accidentally cross his path.”
[He flips a switch]“So, baby?
Let’s bring Fenya on.
The whole universe could really use a break from remembering
that somewhere, someone screwed up again.”
[The broadcast returns softly, dissolving out of Fenya's voice and back into the cozy, slightly smoky mess of the studio. Dick inhales, flips through papers like he expects them to bite him]“So… sweetie…”
[his voice softer than usual, a rare moment of sincerity]“You okay?
We good to keep going?”
[Jackie exhales quietly, almost like a sigh-song. Ratings spike for half a second like an excited gremlin]“Ah… yeah… I’m okay.
Thank you, Dick.
Really… thank you for supporting me…
Even if half of what you said was… well… slightly made up.”
[A small smile touches her lips]“But still… it means a lot to me.
And also, thank you to everyone who sent kind messages on INSTAGRIM.”
[Dick blinks. He did not expect gratitude. At all. Ever. The audience hears him instinctively take a fast sip of whiskey]“Y-yeah… of course, sweetie…
Always happy… to support…”
[His voice cracks, he coughs]“…bend the truth a little… if needed…
you know… for broadcast stability…
…and your smile.”
[Jackie lightly taps her fingernail against the mic]“And yes…
I already texted samchon.
A message.
Very, very long.
And very, very strict.I told him he should never act so… villainously.
Under any circumstances.
It’s… mm… inappropriate.”
[For a second, silence in the studio. Dick doesn't breathe. Doesn't blink. The world around him dims slightly]“Y-y-you…
You… texted… Ma Dong-Rho?
Just now?RIGHT NOW?!
And… you scolded him?!”
[Jackie, calm, sweet, like she's talking about a pet]“Yep.
I always do when he’s wrong.
He really should think before acting like a villain.”
[She sighs, softly]“I once heard him say, in a very scary voice,
to his people, puffing his cheeks like this:‘If you choose to fight me, be ready to pay for it!’
So serious. So terrifying…”
[She giggles quietly]“But when I make him mad… I come with ‘payment.’
Just… a different kind.
I cook his favorite kimchi and bibimbap.
And that’s it.
He instantly turns into a big, fluffy, obedient hamster.”
[Dick takes another direct hit to the brain]“So wait…
You’re telling me Ma Dong-Rho—syndicate terror, planet breaker, moral catastrophe…
calms down because you FEED HIM?!”
[Jackie nods like this is the most obvious thing in the universe]“Dick, darling…
Any overweight man calms down through his stomach.
That’s basic biology.
When he gets angry, his blood pressure rises.
Give him kimchi—the body goes:
‘Oh. Food. Survival. Priority.’
Blood shifts to the stomach.
Anger shuts off.
And what’s left is a warm, gentle hamster.”
[Dick just stares, mouth open]“So Ma Dong-Rho…
the most dangerous weapon in the galaxy…
can be defeated…
with BIBIMBAP?!”
[Jackie smiles]“Exactly.
But don’t try it.
He only eats mine.”
[Dick chokes slightly. The ratings aren't dropping—his soul is. The audience is laughing, liking, numbers climbing]“Sweetie…”
[He whispers]“I think… I need to rewrite my will again.
And maybe… stock up on kimchi and bibimbap…
just in case…”
[He exhales]“And also… we should probably keep going…
before Ma Dong-Rho replies.What if he texts ‘okay’… or… ‘I’m coming for you’…
We should continue the broadcast… fast… right now…”
[He runs a finger along the rim of his glass, producing a thin, trembling tone—almost like a distress signal]“So! Let’s continue the story…
about our completely deranged heroes…
who manage to screw things up worse
than your uncle after a bowl of spicy kimchi.”
[Dick inhales sharply, almost desperate]“Life goes on!
Let’s keep moving—
while I’m still alive.”