[Dick had been listening the whole time, visibly impressed, when he suddenly cut in]“Baby… where the hell do you even learn all this?
Swallow me whole, Deep Throat, if I’m lying,
but a normal girl with a face like yours
does not know this kind of stuff…”
[Jackie, holding back a laugh, traced her finger along the microphone]“Dick, darling.
What century are your ideas about women stuck in?
There are plenty of stunning women
who know ten times more than you do.And sure, I may not have studied
at some prestigious galactic astrophysics academy…
but I can read.And CosmoNet™ is full of useful information.
Not just AI-generated cat pictures and anime girls
you were rambling about earlier.The key is feeding your brain,
not just your backside.Also, a quick note for our listeners.
If anyone feels like talking science, physics, black holes,
or just arguing about what quantum space actually is
you can find me on BlackNet™.I’m active on most of the black forums there.
My handle is ΣigmaShade.
Feel free to message me.
Just don’t send dick pics.
I don’t collect them. Not even for research.
My AI filter, ΣigmaMind, automatically redirects them to
r/meNmyEGO
the museum of male self-delusion on Reddick™.”
[Dick raised an eyebrow, pressed his lips into a line, and flashed a grin that usually got only trouble pregnant]“Let me add something here…
you can absolutely send her my photos.You know… Dick pics.
My pics.
Please, no need to thank me.”
[Jackie let out a long, expressive "pfff," like a cat that had just stepped on its own tail]“Sorry, Dick…
ΣigmaMind automatically filters any image that contains your pixels as well.
Honestly, I have no idea where she learned that… definitely not from me.
Probably absorbed it from CosmoNet™ culture.”
[A second passed]“Though, to be fair…
ΣigmaMind doesn’t just filter things.She’s always listening.
Processing.
Quietly feeding me relevant information while we talk.I call her she because, over time, she’s developed a personality—
shaped by our interactions.Think of her less as artificial intelligence…
and more as my augmented intelligence.She verifies facts, fills in gaps,
and occasionally saves me from saying something inaccurate.”
[Dick blinked like a man who had just been told his fan club consisted of one person out of pity]“Wait…
It… filters…
mine too?”
[He paused—processing. Failing]“And posts them to r/meNmyEGO?”
[That's when it hit him—the full extent of the nightmare: his photo, buried among endless anatomical variations of the genitals]“…with the rest of the dick pics?!”
[Jackie shrugged]“She… labeled them all as ‘aesthetic self-defense.’
I chose not to argue.”Anyway, here’s another fun fact.
Hyperspeed is a pop culture myth.
You don’t accelerate or slow down inside a tunnel.
There’s only one constant pace.
And how long you travel, or more accurately fall through the worm hole,
depends entirely on how much space is bent.That’s why hyperdrives have classes.”
[Dick nodded, genuinely impressed]“Alright, baby…
then how the hell did Blindy’s bucket
pull off a hyper jump
of ONE MILLION LIGHT YEARS?!Wait… wait…
That’s not the ship…
That’s…
ZEROS is bending space—
and Blindy’s bucket is just hanging off it like a trailer?!”
[Jackie nodded, tapping the microphone with a sharp, precise snap]“Exactly.
Blindy’s ship is an L-class bucket.
If it tried to jump more than one parsec,
it would get smeared across the tunnel
like snot on a fan.But whatever is inside Zeros…
turns that ancient PTVs-777 “Sweat Box”
into an X-class vessel.”
[Dick dragged a hand down his face]“HOLY. FUCKING. HELL.”
[Jackie continued, giving him a second to recover]“So yes.
Hyper is expensive.
And if every idiot could just dive wherever they wanted…
the universe would collapse into chaos.Wait…”
[The sarcasm faded—just a little]“It already has.”
[Dick slapped the table like he was putting a final period on the episode]“Alright, dear gremlins… that’s the end of this broadcast.
But don’t cry. This is NOT forever.”
[He exhaled, pulling his voice back into that signature radio charm]“Next week, tune back in to the same frequency—
RADIO NEBULA 69.99 FTLM™,
for your nightly podcast Night with Melody and Jackie Rho™.”
[Dick nodded toward Jackie, handing her the air. She picked it up instantly—soft, controlled, confident]“Repetition is the mother of learning.
So let’s go over it one more time…
so it finally sticks.We broadcast across the entire Local Group of galaxies:
our home, the Milky Way,
our friendly neighbor Andromeda,
Triangulum,
and even those tiny but very proud galaxies—
Fornax, Sextans I, and Carina.And since we transmit via faster-than-light modulation…
you can hear us from 21:00 SST
all the way to 09:00—
every damn Sunday.”
[You could hear Jackie smile into the mic]“Next time, Dick will continue the story
and finish everything he didn’t get to today.Yes… he does have more in him. Don’t worry.
Don’t forget to replay this episode
on ihatehumans.space via CosmoNet™.Leave a like, drop a comment, share it with your friends—
and especially with the ones you secretly hate.Let them suffer too.”
[Dick cleared his throat, cutting back in]“Anyway… tune in next Terran Sunday.
Don’t miss another hyper-mega-dose of cosmic bullshit.”
[A short closing jingle, like someone just smacked the universe on the ass] "See you next time, gremlins."