“Alright, Jackie, sweetie…
put on some music or something.Let’s ease the pain after that corporate mind-fuck.”
[Jackie had stayed silent the whole time, letting Dick vent, letting him bleed out all that Prime INC™ trauma.
Then, gently stabilizing the rhythm of the broadcast, she smoothly opened the mic]“Dick… and dear listeners… we’ve got something special lined up…”
[Dick immediately cut in]“Sweetheart, not Butt Pimple™ again!
That band gives me hemorrhoids the size of basketballs!
Play something the kids actually listen to. What’s trending?”
[Jackie smiled. That smile. The one that carries both fun and death]“Dick… don’t complain later. You asked for it.
Playing ‘BEEP-BAP-BOP GALACTIC BAE by StarGasm™.”
[At that exact moment, the broadcast ratings jumped 178%, and the listener chat exploded in all-caps hysteria][The music kicks in:
♪ beep—bap—bop—beep-beep—BAAAM! ♪]“WHAT.
THE HELL.
IS.
THIS SHIT?!”
[He slams his fist on the table. The whiskey bottle jumps like it just got scared]“JACKIE!
NEVER.
EVER.
PLAY.
THIS.
AGAIN!THIS ISN’T A HIT—
THIS IS AUDIO RAPE!THIS is why the galaxy is rotting!
THIS is why we don’t evolve!
THIS is why lunatics exist!
THIS is why we don’t deserve the stars!”
[Meanwhile, the song keeps going like torture
♪ Beep-bap-bop, bala-bala-BAM,
You're my baby, no one else can have! ♫]“‘No one else can have’?!
HELL—I’M ABOUT TO HAVE THIS MIC SMASH MY FACE!”
[Jackie is quietly dying from laughter]“But Dick… it’s extremely popular.
The track has one trillion and eighty-nine billion streams on YouTool Music™…”
[Dick's voice cracks. It sounds like insanity is trying to break out with an axe]“Boom-boom-boom—IT’S IN MY HEAD!
IT’S STUCK IN THERE!WHO WRITES THIS?!
PUT THAT PERSON ON TRIAL!
SENTENCE THEM TO
LIFELONG EXPOSURE
TO THEIR OWN SHIT!WHO PRODUCES THIS?!
WHO GREENLIGHTS THIS AUDIO TRASH?!”
[Jackie can't resist and, for fun, plays another part
♪ Beep-beep-beep—you're in my heartbeat!
Bap-bap-bap—we're breaking space-time!
Bop-bop-bop—just hold my hand!
BAAAM! BAAAM! BA-BA-BA-BA-BAAAM! ♫]“Baby…
I’m begging you… I’M BEGGING YOU—THAT’S IT. I NEED WEED.
NOW.
TWO.
THREE.I need to forget this like a nightmare!”
[The song drifts into its finale, almost mockingly
♪ Jumping into hyper, I gotta confess…
My heart is screaming reckless love—no rest!
We dance, we blast, we party till dawn! ♫]“PLEASE!
STOP!
STOP THE MUSIC!
STOP EVERYTHING!STOP THE UNIVERSE—I’M GETTING OFF!”
[Jackie cuts the track.
A thick, painful silence drops into the studio.
Dick is breathing hard.
A long, exhausted exhale]“Alright…
From now on—only Butt Pimple™.If it’s a choice between brain damage
and hemorrhoids the size of a basketball…
give me the damn ball.Alright, you cosmic freaks… let’s get back to the story of two idiots.
Maybe that’ll finally knock this beep-bop shit out of my skull.”
[deep, tired sigh]“Jackie, sweetie… do me a favor.
Tell our listeners where that metal psycho—Zeros—ran off to.
And me…
…I’m gonna go cry into the stars about my miserable life.Maybe the universe will take pity on me
and reboot my ass into a version
where StarGasm™ doesn’t exist.”
[chair creaks, footsteps fading]“Baby… the mic’s yours.
If I come back—lucky me.
If not—go look for my soul drifting somewhere
in the homeless void of this damn universe.”