— CLANG—pTOTALSHIIT—FUCKTHIS—TUDUM—
Radio Nebula 69.99 FTLM![a short cosmic jazz jingle.
Rumor has it they once used it in prison riot squads to beat the madness out of the most violent degenerates]“Welcome back to another episode of this galactic shitshow—November 29th, 3479, SST.
You’re tuned in to Radio Nebula 69.99 FTLM…And with you—as always—your one and only, incomparable, undeniably magnificent, and universally adored
Dick Melody.Yeah, yeah, relax. I didn’t go anywhere.
And all that Reddick™ garbage about me having a heart attack and ‘dropping dead’?
Complete bullshit.And to the degenerate who wrote that—
get ready, you little bastard. Legal’s already sharpening their teeth
and checking the oil on the chainsaws.And right here with me in the booth—
Jacqueline ‘Jackie’ Rho.
Brilliant. Stunning.
And, damn it, the best damn DJ in the entire universe.This is the late-night podcast Night with Melody™—”
[Jackie's voice slipped into the broadcast like a soft vibration—an ASMR massage for the brain.
Listeners felt a ripple of goosebumps, and somewhere deep inside, something small and intellectual clicked into place]“…and Jackie Rho.”
[Dick burst out laughing, clearing his smoke-scratched throat]“Yeah, yeah, get used to it.
From now on, Jackie’s running this podcast with me.
Which means it’s officially called:
Night with Melody and Jackie Rho™.”
“That bastard—the station owner,
Mr. Tss’Kura, that glurp-faced excuse for a life-form—
figured this would boost our ratings faster.Well, well, well… looks like my partner in the studio
has something special lined up for tonight.”
[Jackie leaned closer to the microphone][Jackie leaned closer to the microphone, voice warm but slightly corrective]“Oh, Dick… Mr. Tss’Kura is Glurpanth, and calling him ‘glurp-faced’ is—mm—
technically unethical.
“Also… what was your word for it?
Ah, yes—
mildly speciophobic.”
[A tiny pause, then a soft smile in her voice]“But… yeah.
He might not be entirely wrong about the ratings.”
[She shifts tone—lighter, inviting]“And tonight… I’ve got a story for you.
A story that’ll make your blood boil…
even if you’re a cold-blooded alien, sweetie.”
[Dick leaned in slightly, his voice dropping—wider now, smoother, velvet-heavy]“Ohhh, you have no idea what’s coming.
So wrap up whatever filthy business you’re in the middle of…
Quick reminder: we’re broadcasting across the entire galaxy via faster-than-light, every Sunday, 21:00 to 09:00 SST.”
[Jackie's voice slipped into the stream like silk—lazy, effortless, precise]“Dick… what exactly did they teach you at Prime Inc.™?
Physics clearly wasn’t part of the curriculum. That much is obvious.
But I’m sure they did teach you how to sign contracts
and overcharge your clients.We’re broadcasting faster than light, which means we’re being heard in Andromeda…
and in all those charming little dwarf galaxies
dragging themselves along behind our Milky Way.”
[Dick froze for a solid three seconds, forcing the meaning through what remained of his brain]“Holy cosmic hell…
How is that even possible?!”
[Jackie let out a soft laugh, gently stripping away about twenty-three percent of his confidence]“Dick, you’re hopeless.”
"Signal transmission through hyperspatial loop resonances,
using residual black hole radiation as relay nodes."“In simpler terms, my dear—
faster-than-light modulation uses black holes as intermediate hubs.Even if the signal gets distorted,
it still reaches the nearest major galaxy.It’s basic physics.
They teach it in sixth grade.”
[Dick smiled, doing everything in his power not to look like an idiot]“Baby, that was a rhetorical question!
And also, sweetie…
anything involving the words black hole
is pure erotic material for our listeners.And hey—thanks for reminding everyone
that I’m about as smart as an asteroid without an orbit.Which is exactly why we need Jackie—
she’s here to remind us what illiterate idiots we are.Tonight’s shaping up to be a fun one.”
[He leaned back into the mic, voice turning into a full-on cosmic baritone]“And yeah… if you’re out there in Andromeda—
or in those half-baked little galaxies hitching a ride behind us…If you can hear us—welcome to the club, you glorious gremlins.
And to all you listeners with nothing better to do
than waste your lives on this nonsense—welcome aboard.And if you can’t hear us, well—
you’ve got problems.With your hearing.
Your brain.
Or your damn quantum-hyperspatial relay settings.”
[He turned toward Jackie]“So, sweetie… what’s on the menu tonight?”
[Jackie pulled a note from the stack labeled "For Dick"— written in large, very deliberate letters]“Well… you already spoiled it in the last episode.
The audience waited a full week.
So now you actually have to tell it.”
[Dick exhaled into the mic like an old kettle]“Baby, that’s called jikai yokoku.
All the cool shows do it—
drop a teaser for the next episode
to keep the damn idiots—[ahem]—the audience hooked.Problem is…
I don’t remember what the hell I said.Spent the entire week sorting things out with Todd…”
[He snorted]“Todd…
You’re like a bone stuck in my ass.
You talked me into hiring you again, you bastard.
Not an agent—more like my ex-wife, I swear to God.Only difference is, this one actually understands contracts
and talks like a damn lawyer.So yeah—former agent is officially back in business.”
[He raised a finger like he was quoting something profound]“What did that one smart asshole say…
Benjamin Button:‘In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.'”
[Jackie corrected him quietly, almost under her breath]“…Franklin?”
[Dick didn't catch it—or ignored it entirely]“Sweetie, let me tell you something.
Now that we’re co-hosting this thing—
try not to drop random names of your boyfriends, alright?I’m still seeing Jean-Paul from the last episode…
Anyway, folks…
what was I—
the hell was I talking about?”
[He snapped his fingers]“Right. Todd!
If you’re hearing this—
and you are, you bastard—
just know: I despise you.But you’ve got me by the balls…
a contract’s a contract.”
[He leaned back in his chair]“Jackie!
Fire up the trash track.
The one you labeled
‘God, why are we even listening to this?’Probably another hit by Butt Pimple.
Screw it—can’t get any worse. Hit it!”
[Dick inhales loudly]“Alright, Jackie, Baby…
So we don’t step on each other—here’s the deal:
I handle the story.
You jump in only when we need black holes, space monsters,
fun facts, and all that scientific crap
our listeners just love so much.”
[Jackie let out a quiet hum but didn't argue]“Alright. Deal. I’ll just be here… in case you inhale
and can’t quite exhale your pride.”
[Dick pours himself a glass of Johnnie Wanker™, downs it with the expression of a martyr, winces—
and the world becomes tolerable again]