——VZZZ—OHHELLNO—KRAAAM—TUDUM
RADIO NEBULA 69.99 FTLM!—[the updated cosmo-jazz jingle that instantly tanked the station's rating by 15.9%—precisely the percentage of listeners hospitalized from sudden cringe exposure]“It’s me again—and still—
DICK MELODY,
with my irresistible partner-in-noise,
your favorite interstellar migraine in heels—
DJ JACKIE.Baby, hit ’em with the applause.”
— CLAP! CLAP! WOOO! YEEEH!
CLAP-CLAP!—[ratings plummeted another 3.7%—same reason]“Alright… listen up, space gremlins.
We don’t have much time left,
so I’ll be quicker than a corporation abandoning your privacy rights.What those two idiots did—
happened a year and a half ago.And unless you’ve been walking around
with your head jammed entirely up your own ass,
you’ve heard about it.Back then every news outlet swore
a “trash meteorite” hit Mülldeponie™
causing four trillion c-bucks in damages.Cleanup finished only last month.
And guess what?
It wasn’t a meteorite.
It was BLINDY.
— THE IDIOT—
who got drunk.But rumor has it
they bribed the mayor of Dumsta,
bribed the governor of Mülldeponie,
and blamed everything on cosmic waste.But that’s all rumors…
And we don’t deal in rumors.
We broadcast pure tabloid bullshit.Anyway, scum-bags,
we’ve been with you this whole Sunday night.But it’s damn near SST morning.
And you know what that means?
Time to shut this circus down.
But—not forever.
Tune in again
to RADIO NEBULA 69.99 FTLM
this coming Sunday!For the infamous, sleepless, brain-melting podcast:
A Night with Melody™.
We broadcast across the ENTIRE goddamn Milky Way,
faster-than-light,
every Sunday—
from 21:00 SST
to 09:00.And next time you might hear brand-new stories
about our beloved, terrifying disaster-duo:— how Blindy and Zeros blew up a whole dwarf planet with millions on it,
— how one of them saved the other from slavery [guess who saved who],
— how they accidentally saved the GALAXY from a mad professor,
— and, of course, why Zeros hates us so deeply…
when somehow, somewhere along the way……we all learned to love the bastard.
So tune in next Sunday.
Don’t miss another mega-dose
of cosmic, catastrophic horseshit.Baby, mic’s all yours—
say something sweet to the listeners!”
[Jackie flicks a switch—Dick's "ON AIR" lamp dies with a pitiful whine, then immediately lights up again in Engineering]“Dear listeners…
if you missed any part of tonight’s broadcast,
you can ‘listen’ to it on our site
ihatehumans.space on CosmoNet™.”Leave likes, comments. Share it with your friends and enemies.
Until next time.”