— VJOOM SHH’SHIIIT TUDUM
RADIO NEBULA 69.99 FTLM! —[the updated cosmo-jazz jingle which, according to SoundCloud.space reviews, "sounds like someone is sexually assaulting a saxophone in zero-gravity]“Alright, listeners.
Since our deranged duo somehow managed NOT to die again —
and thank you for that, Madeleine… invoice for the ad slot is on its way, darling —
I’m gonna tell y’all a legend while Jackie plays yet another brain-melting track from her playlist.Baby, HIT IT!”
[As soon as the music faded, Dick lunged for the microphone, unable to contain himself, his baritone cutting straight in]“This story is old. Ancient.
So old that people were still eating food grown on an actual PLANET,
not printed on a XEREX-Food™ cartridge with ‘may contain toner’ written on the box.It’s called…”
The Red Rodeo Planet Incident—
and the First Contact Meat-Processing Event.
“Yes.
That is the real name.
No, I didn’t make it up.
History sometimes writes itself like a drunk raccoon with a knife.According to the documents—
that is, the ones corporations DIDN’T MANAGE to erase—
the Glypnorians first landed on human territory seven hundred and eighty years ago.And they chose, of all places,
not our beloved TERRA,
not a space station,
not a research colony…But the desert settlement Red Rodeo™—
a neighboring star system populated by descendants of Southerners, swamp hunters, cowboy survivalists,
and people who, even back then, should’ve been legally classified as biological hazards.In short:
the worst possible place for a peaceful first contact.
The Glypnorians, doing their best diplomacy, walk out like:
‘We come in peace!’
And the Red Rodeo locals go:
‘WHO THE HOLY MOTHERFUCK IS HOLL’RIN’ OVER MY TATERS?!’
Then events unfold exactly how you expect:
— Glypnorian scouts land;
— forty men in hats immediately surround them;
— Old Man Silas fires a warning shot into the sky—
and accidentally kills some ancient, endangered alien bird
nobody’s seen in centuries, the last poor bastard from the Red Book of Red Rodeo™—
and yells:'IF IT MOVES—YOU CAN FRY IT!'An hour later, the First Interstellar Rodeo begins.
Why rodeo?
Because it turns out…
Glypnorians scouts make damn fine war beasts.
Saddle beautifully, too.Sturdy, durable, hard to break.
Best damn beasts to ride of the century.Then the cooking starts.
And here, galactic history does a somersault:
Glypnorians thought humans would:
〉understand them,
〉appreciate their culture and technology,
〉maybe pass their language exam.Instead, the local cook tries the meat, lifts an eyebrow, and says:
'Tastes like a mix of gator and chicken… only tender.'The official scientific report later states:
‘THE FIRST WAVE OF GLYPNORIANS WAS… EATEN.’
Within twenty-four hours.
All of them.
Down to the last tentacle.And that wasn’t even the worst part.
The real horror came when the Glypnorian commander
played the biosurveys from the scouts.Quoting:
‘These humans are irrational.
They don’t fear pain.
They don’t fear death.
They don’t fear us.
They are hungry.
And they look at us as if WE are the livestock.’The Glypnorian Federation, after that:
‘CANCEL ALL HUMAN SYSTEMS FOREVER.
FULL RETREAT.
DO NOT—UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES—ENGAGE AGAIN.’And what pops up a week later
on the sector’s outskirts?Correct.
Meat & Bone™
The first galactic BBQ franchise.
And who named it?
Old Man Silas—
the same bastard who fired the first shot.Legend also says
when the Glypnorian fleet fled in panic,
three Red Rodeo locals somehow managed to JUMP into one of their ships,
“take control,”
and accidentally launch themselves into hyperspace.That was the last time anyone ever saw Glypnorians up close.
〉Rumor #1—they were all eaten. 〉Rumor #2—they all fucked off into hyperspace to Andromeda and now lives there in hiding from HUMANITY.Before the galaxy was littered with Meat & Bone™ franchises—
the same ones you see now floating everywhere from void lanes to goddamn nebulae—
our duo approached one of the legendary airborne slaughter-diners of the Milky Way:Meat & Bone—Space Ain’t Gone™
A restaurant dangling in the stratosphere of Red Rodeo™
on an anti-grav platform,
like a giant metallic cow barn hovering on a cushion of pure stupidity.Below—a blazing red desert.
Above—open space.
Between them—a diner violating every known law of physics, sanity, and customer safety.”