—SHRRRAA—KLOMP—TOTALSHIT—…VZZZ-POP—
RADIO NEBULA 69.99 FTLM![A cosmic jazz jingle so powerful that by the time it reached the desert planet Red Rodeo, it etched massive Chladni patterns into the sand.
The local cowboys immediately lost their shit, and the conspiracy nuts declared:
"This is the Glipnorians! They left a sign!
They remember! They… WILL TAKE REVENGE!"]“Well, well, well!
My dear galactic gremlins…
Another week.
Another episode.
And another day we’re back at the station—
and holy damn cosmos—today is December 27th, 3479 SST.
Which means… thirty-five days ago, we started this damn show.
Six weeks in a row. THE SIXTH EPISODE!And I’m starting to feel like I just burned a perfectly good chunk of my life
entertaining your ungrateful assholes.Universal bullshit…
I gave up all my Sundays for this—
so you little parasites can sit there in silence,
no likes,
not even bumping the rating?!Sometimes I really gotta ask myself…
what the hell am I even doing here?”
[A short pause. He exhales]“Ah… anyway—while Jackie’s over there melting over Oliver…
I’ll kick this off.
Someone’s gotta carry this damn show.”
[And then, slipping gently into the broadcast, comes Vella's voice]“Honey, I listened to the last episode. And I was shocked.
That’s not who you are.
Why so much complaining? Why so much negativity?”
[Dick opens his mouth to respond—
but Jackie cuts in instantly]“Exactly!
Vella, you have no idea how much I suffer
trying to fix your husband.
No matter how hard I try—it’s useless.
A complete disaster!”
[Todd, standing nearby,
hands casually in his pockets
like he's ready to pull out a business card at any second]“Oh, ma chère Jacqueline…
if working with distingué Monsieur Melody
does not satisfy you,
je peux facilement arrange
a nouveau contrat
at another station—
with meilleure conditions.Make me your agent officiel, hm?”
[Oliver, sitting on Jackie's lap,
wrapped in her arms
and hating absolutely everything around him,
lets out a sound that translates to "I would burn this world if I were slightly bigger than a cat"]“Mrrrow-meeeow.”
[Dick explodes]“Todd.
What the fuck are you even doing here?
I didn’t invite you!”
[Todd straightens his tie and flashes that corporate smile—the kind that's supposed to calm people down
but instead makes you want to hit the panic button]“Oh Monsieur Melody, why so harsh.
Tout d’abord, I was invited by Madame Melody.
Deuxièmement, it saddens me to see such a cold attitude—
comme si j’étais your enemy.I am merely your loyal agent, ready to serve your interests…”
[Vella places a hand on his shoulder,
switching on her signature "soft imitation calming voice"]“Don’t mind him, Todd.
He’s got two modes: home and work.At home, he’s soft and sweet—Richard. Just like Oliver.
But at work…”
[A small smile]“…he puts on that mask of his.
Scary Dick.It’s his way of defending himself.
Just don’t take him seriously.Right, hun?”
[Dick swallows]“Babe… you’re not Todd.
And thank the damn cosmos for that—
you’re not some corporate predator.With him, you always gotta stay sharp.
With you… it’s different—
I’m… ahem…
your Richard.”
[Jackie, still hugging Oliver—
who already looks like he's mentally crossing humanity off the list of acceptable lifeforms in the Universe]“Daebak—Oliver, you are so adorable…
Thank you, Vella, for bringing him into the studio—
you just lit up my whole week.I’m already used to Dick’s nonsense.
He’s like a permanently grumpy old uncle to me…
but, in his own way, he cares.”
[Dick's internal self-esteem rating drops as fast as the S&P 500 at the start of the pandemic]“I told you— I’M ONLY FIFTY-THREE!
I’M NOT OLD!Alright, gremlins…
you’re probably sitting there thinking:
‘What the hell is going on?’Well, here’s what’s going on.
Jackie’s been blowing up my messages all week—
begging me to bring the damn cat over.
So I did.But the cat’s gotta go back home.
Having him in the studio is like putting Zeros in a retirement home:
EXTREME HAZARD. HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE.That’s why Vella came with me—my beloved wife.
But I sure as hell—
did NOT invite TODD!”
[Vella, already tired of all of this]“I invited him.
So I wouldn’t have to fly to Terra alone.
And also to discuss your future with him.Please, hun…
since I’m here—try to behave.
Can you do that for me?”
[Dick coughs, takes a sip of Johnnie Wanker™, and returns to broadcast mode]“Alright.
We are still live on air.You’re listening to the Sunday night podcast
‘Night with Melody and Jackie Rho™’
on Radio Nebula 69.99 FTLM—
the only station still broadcasting
in faster-than-light modulation.Every SST Sunday—
21:00 sharp,
and we drag this thing all the way till morning.And with you through this entire damn night—
your one and only, universally adored…
Dick Melody!And of course—right beside me—
the most charming DJ in the Universe…
Jacqueline ‘Jackie’ Rho.And—my beloved Vella Drayson.
And our cat, Oliver…And—this insufferable agent Todd,
who I sincerely hope finds somewhere to fuck off—
RIGHT NOW.”
[Todd straightens up, adjusts his lapel like he's addressing a camera]“Ma chère Monsieur Melody… et Madame Rho…
I have brought you several pages from the Author.
I do not believe it will be enough
for a full story for the entire evening,
but you may fill the broadcast with this material for now,
while I and the très cher owner of the station—
Monsieur Tss’Kura—
consider what to do next.”
[A slight bow—just deep enough to appear polite,
and just shallow enough to show he bows to no one]“I shall leave you now.
Madame Melody, I will be waiting outside.
Continue… être charmants.”
[Dick waves him off, already mentally done with Todd]“Yeah, yeah, Todd… uh… how did it go again?..
Ah! Right!Va te faire foutre.”
[Then, quietly—but just quiet enough for EVERY listener to hear]“Fucking asshole… I’m so damn tired of him…”
[Jackie slowly stands, gently kisses Oliver on the forehead, and hands him over to Vella]“I’ll go get back to work too.
Vella, thank you so much for stopping by.
I’m really glad I got to meet you!”
[Vella takes Oliver, settles him into the anti-grav capsule, then straightens up and takes Jackie's hand]“Sweet Jackie… I’m glad we met too.
Come visit us on Terra.
You can spend the whole day with the cat,
and I’ll show you the most beautiful places in New Tokyo.”
[She glances at Dick—the kind of look that might make even Zeros reconsider basic safety protocols]“Hun… if you hurt this girl—
you answer to me.
And no, sleeping on the couch will NOT save you.
Understood?
Jackie… message me anytime “
[With that, she taps the panel, and the capsule gently floats after her. They leave the radio chamber, trailing the scent of expensive perfume][Jackie sways slightly as she returns—like a schoolgirl after a successful performance—sits beside Dick, smiling bright and genuine]“Well then, dear Dick…
shall we play some music?”
[Dick nods—but Jackie cuts in, glowing, energized, already in full show mode]“And now, our dear listeners…
the moment I’ve been waiting for all week!
Tonight we’ve got a real treat—
a BRAND NEW hit from the band ‘Butt Pimple’!”
[She traces a small circle above the terminal—like she's conducting the energy of the broadcast itself]“And this one’s an exclusive, gremlins.
Written specifically for tonight’s episode…
Please welcome— ‘LA-LA-LAI’!”
[Jackie taps the terminal—light, joyful.
The music bursts to life.
Cynthia "Sparks" Claver's voice enters the broadcast]