— FWOOOOBL–KRASHH–ZZRRRT–TUDUM! —[the cosmo-jingle, sounding like a reusable garbage truck
performing the Galactic Anthem through its ass
with auto-tune]“Alright.
Let’s keep going.
And if any of you start whining again that I ‘get distracted’…
Guess what?Go fuck yourselves.
And before I forget—
This story?
This whole damn thing?It’s third-rate garbage.
But I’m forced to read it because Todd is an idiot
and the AUTHOR is…
completely out of his goddamn mind.Just like his characters.
Take our beloved Zeros, for example—
marching down the street,
shoving his metal muzzle forward so hard
sparks were literally spraying off his joints…”
“He strutted through the district
terrorizing the locals of Dumsta—
junkies, drunks, thugs, thieves,
and every creature that crawled out of evolutionary regret
scattered across the sidewalks,
clearing a path instantly
and evacuating the entire street in seconds.Even the flying drones—
these steel pigeons of local ecology—
swerved away from him.Some climbed all the way to the stratosphere,
made a massive arc,
and only THEN continued their flight path,
just to avoid being directly over his head.In less than five minutes,
he reached the sector the locals call ‘WC.‘Why?
Well…
According to the note,
a couple hundred years ago
this area was the official testing ground
for plastic portable toilets.That’s it.
That’s all you need to know.Now it’s a neighborhood
made of containers, garbage,
and whatever someone felt looked like a building material.Every “house” has the same floor plan—
a box.The doors?
Former portable toilets.The two most common letters?
W and C.
High romance.The box Blindy called “home”
stood by the western entrance,
on the upper level,
reachable by a rusted staircase.Zeros climbed up, opened the door, and stepped inside,
immediately triggering the antibacterial sterilization system.Two vents rose from his shoulders,
cylinders extended, and—”
[Dick suddenly stops]“What the hell am I reading?
Jackie, YOU wrote this, you little tech-gremlin.
Do you SERIOUSLY think our dumbass listeners
are gonna understand ANY of this?”
[silence… then Jackie snickers in the background]“…Fine.
Fine.
If it makes your cute little face light up—
I’ll keep going.”
[A defeated exhale]“Alright, folks.
Infrared radiation generates heat.
This energy disrupts microbial cell structures,
effectively killing bacteria, viruses, and spores
at temperatures from 1652°F to 2372°F…
fuck me…
in just a few seconds.Yes, the process is fast.
Yes, the process is effective.And yes—
Blindy uses these sterilization cylinders
to light his cigarettes.But even all this ‘techno-stuff’
never saved Zeros’s chassis from biological hazards.He often left Blindy’s home
with fungus between his fingers
because he touched something…
he REALLY shouldn’t have touched.”
[Dick taps the mic, exhausted]“I hate my job.
Alright… enough whining,
or I’ll start sounding like that retard droid
working through his trauma in real time.Let’s keep going.”